Why I hate my life

Wow, so that last short post got more comments than any other post. Crazy.

So I think I am in the middle of one of the most stressful weeks of my life. So say this week started Friday. Friday I was so tired I slept through both my IB 127 midterm review as well as my ESPM 50AC guest lecture. Fuck. So the day isn't starting very well, and I'm starting to get sick. I run around to swing dance practice, then go to Berkeley Bowl with Dom and Jamie (which was fun), then made submission copies for Rice, and then headed off to External event rehearsal.

By the way, a rowdy bunch of us Ricers are performing in the Voter Apathy thing tomorrow night. Err, Tuesday night, 155 Dwinelle, Free! I think 7pm. We're the closing act. Cuz we're badass.

Anyway, so after that, I needed a break so I headed off with Krismin to check out Garden State, cuz Dom hooked us up with free passes, free popcorn, and free soda. Score. The movie was good, and afterwards, we had another External Event rehearsal at 10. I didn't return from dropping people off until like 1. Great for being sick.

So Saturday I woke up at 8 so I could be at EXTERNAL EVENT REHEARSAL at 9am. Then, at 11, I headed off to Stockton to deliver the Words of Remembrance (ie eulogy) at my grandpa's funeral. Sometime between leaving Dwinelle and walking to my apartment, I lost my cell phone. Fuck. NOte: I don't have a land line. If it wasn't for the internet, I'd be screwed.

So I deliver the eulogy, then proceed to hang out for 15 minutes, then head back to Berkeley. I have the Theatre Rice submission reading meeting to attend to, after all. So as I'm going down Bancroft, turning into Fulton, I hit a pedestrial with my car.

Yes, you read that right. I ran someone over. And if you fucking ask "Is he okay?" I really don't care, as I'm more worried about him suiing me. Fucker.

So my aggression is probably an extension of the guilt I have. Also, my meager checkbook balance inspires fear, and guilt +fear = wanting to destroy whatever is causing the fear and guilt.

On what has been one of the worst days of my life, I lost my cell phone and hit a man with my car. I filed the police report, and there were cops, and paramedics and all that crazy shit. /fun fun times.

So now, i'm worrying about having to call my dad and let him know that I got in a collision, and thus my car insurance (which he pays for) should be going up. I'm such a shitty son. Also, I need to send my mother a check for $35 to pay for my lost phone. But I'll get to that later.

Yeah, so I hit the guy because I was making a left turn, and due to the glare of the sun (right around 5), I couldnt' see the guy until I was hitting him with the bumper of my car. I'd call the guy to make sure he's okay, but I don't have a phone. I hit him at about 15 mph, and I think he jumped so I took his legs out from under him, so he was saying his ankles hurt. But he could get up and walk, so at worst, it seems like a fracture or something. Poor dude.

So Saturday was also Kevin's birthday. I would have called to wish him a Happy Birthday, but I lost my phone. I would have also called Megan today to wish her a happy birthday, but I lost my phone. I would have also called many other people (being director of NSU and Producer of Rice REQUIRES a cell phone). Fucking shit fuck.

ANYWAY,

so Sunday, I had external event troupe rehearsal from 9-11, then NSU meetings from 11-7, then a date with Val from 8-1am. Needless to say, it was a busy day.

Hanging out with Val was cool, as we watched the choreography from the Moulin Rouge dances (special bonus features, baby!) and while I played guitar, she showed me ballet stuff. We then talked a lot, and I took her back to her apartment where I proceeded to hang out with Barbara, Sean, Lisa, and Jade for about an hour. Fun fun times.

So today, I woke up at 8am to make my 9am class. Since I forgot to write my response paper for my 2pm class, I went to the computer lab to type it up. After I finished that, I headed out to grab some food. I then went to my 11pm class, then met with Belinda to work on our parts for the show tomorrow night (I didn't want to type "external event" again) and then headed off to my 1pm discussion.

During the discussion, our GSI asked us who had honestly a)started reading the next book, and b)started their paper. When most of the class raised their hand for neither, Joanne's (our GSI) friend GSI (apparently Annalyn's favorite GSI) tried to lay the guilt trip on us.

"I dont' think you guys realize how hard people fought for this class. People went on strike, and blah blah blah blah, and they worked really hard to get Filipino studies here on campus. So you guys might want to think about that and really take things seriously..."

Suck the shit out of my asshole, fucker.

First, who the fuck do you think you are coming in laying that shit down? I don't care if you were one of the people fighting for this class. If you care about the damn thing so much, why aren't you teaching it? You don't know me, so fuck yourself.

Second, who are you to presume that I'm not taking things seriously? If you look at my study habits, I take all my classes seriously. If you presume that in order to succeed, I have to do the reading ahead of time, and start on essays more than three days before it's due, you're soooo fucking wrong. If I didn't care about the material, I wouldn't be in the class, asshole. Don't make assumptions about me.

Third, you're fucking lucky I didn't get up and spit in your face. I'm tired, sick, and don't like to be fucked with.

Fourth, just because your stupid ass need to study and shit to pull off A's, doesn't mean I have to. If you want to get into it, yes, I do think I'm smarter than you. In school I work about a quarter as hard as other people, and still do fairly well.

Fifth, if you're so fucking concerned about Filipino American history, you should realize that the number one export of the Philippines is human labor, primarily that of women and children. You should also know that Theatre Rice (the primary reason I haven't started on the paper) is working to raise money for the Purple Rose campaign. Yeah, I'm working to help "the community," so please excuse me for trying to fight sexual exploitation of women and the misrepresentation of Asian Americans in the media instead of working on a paper on a book I've already read before.

I really didn't like that guy. It's cool he's passionate about issues and shit, but stay out of my class. I'm not in the mood to get bitched at, especially by someone not in the class. Oh, and PS - if you want students to take classes "more seriously," then maybe you should make ethnic studies classes actually challenging. Maybe for some it's tough, but realize, this shit is cake for me.

After this fun fun discussion, I went to my next discussion, where things went as per usual. The same people talked, and we left. Fun.

I walked back with Tammy, and we talked about things, and I'm still confused as ever. I don't know if she wants to date me or not, but whatever. I'm too busy to worry about women right now.

From 3-5:30, I called my insurance agency and ordered a new phone (2-3 days and $35 co-pay, boo hoo), printed up the tickets for Rice, and put in the order to get them printed. I grabbed some grub, and headed off to a short rehearsal before going into 4 hours of NSU skit practice. I then headed home, emailed people, took care of business, threw my laundy in the wash, and numbered the tickets. I still have studying to do, my eyes hurt from fatigue, my nose hurts from blowing it too much, and I think I'm getting a head ache. I'll be pretty much busy all this week, and then next week we go into "Family Week" for Rice, where it's Rice from 5-11 every night. Starting Saturday. Thank god for CZ's stripper party on Saturday night. Without that, I swear I'd kill myself.

Speak of which, I seriously considered driving into the Berkeley Hills with a stolen garden hose and killing myself up there where the view would be nice. However, I realized I'd be letting too many people down, and the world needs me too much. If it wasn't for my responsibility and ego, I'd so be dead by now. Not to scare you or anything. But seriously, I'm not afraid of dying. Just the pain generally associated with it.

Ooooh, morbid. Anyhoo, tomorrow is also super fucking busy. I really am burning out. Maybe it's just cuz I'm sick and sleep deprived, but man, I feel like shit. I also need a haircut, but I don't have time to give myself one. Poo.

I feel like I'm slowly failing as producer. Between Ricers dropping like flies, people missing committee meetings, and me forgetting to get forms in so we can sell stuff this week, I'm off to a rocky start. Hopefully, I'll get my shit together in time for Showcase, but man. If Chris Dong wasn't around, Rice would be such a fucking mess.

So there, that's what I'm dealing with right now. Fatigue, guilt, anger, frustration, sickness, sleep deprivation, stress, and bad luck. Seriously, if you ask me if how I'm doing, at worst I'll say "Eh, okay, but I'm getting a little sick." I really want to go and decapitate myself, but I don't want to bring down your day. Okay, so that was a bit harsh, and I don't want to kill myself, but I don't feel like I can easily explain how I'm doing without a lengthy explanation of my past few days, which has added up to being really shitty. So I'll save you the trouble and be cool with you.

ANYWAY, I need to get my laundry out of the dryer, go to sleep, and wake up and start things all over again. Fun fun times!

Goodnight.